Your New Year’s resolution: Will it make your life better?

Words from Christine…

So, now that we’re into the month of February. . . how are you feeling about your New Year’s resolutions?

Resolutions are another way of creating important boundaries in your life. You might even consider creating resolutions throughout the year (not just at the beginning). Bottom line – when something becomes a big enough problem and you truly want a change, this is the time to make a resolution.

The tricky part of all resolutions is – how you do you make one that sticks? I’ve found these five points to be quite helpful:

  1. Be convinced it will make your life better.
  2. Break it into very small goals, and clearly state each goal.
  3. Be accountable to yourself and at least one other person.
  4. Be your own cheerleader, and have at least one other cheerleader.
  5. Be able to adjust your expectations when necessary.

In this post, let’s just talk about point 1:

*Be convinced it will make your life better.*

With any resolution, it’s important to make sure you’re honest with yourself about the underlying reason. For example, let’s say your resolution is to start actively dating (and find a partner). In this case, you’d need to ask yourself – why do I want to start dating?

Let’s suppose your answer to this is – you’re lonely. You want to find a partner so you won’t be lonely anymore… you’ll have someone to go places with and someone to talk to.

Are you convinced that dating (and finding a partner) will make your life better? Will it solve your loneliness? To answer this second question, you might have to dig a little deeper.

  • Why are you lonely? How did you end up feeling this way?
  • Will dating (and finding a partner) automatically solve your loneliness? Is it as simple as having someone at the movies or at the dinner table? Or is there something deeper going on with you?

There are lots of possible answers to these questions.

  • I’ve seen cases where it really was that simple – having a partner took care of the loneliness because the woman (or man) had done work on themselves before they dated.
  • Alternatively, I’ve coached men and women who came to me because – they previously had found a partner – and were surprised to find themselves still lonely while in the relationship!
  • Some of my clients have learned through coaching they need to make friends with themselves first. This leads them to finding they enjoy their own company, and that by itself reduces loneliness. And there’s a bonus to this one: (1) Once you know and like yourself better, you’re also much better prepared to find the right partner for your personality and needs and (2) befriending yourself can help you feel less needy and desperate about meeting someone, which can in turn lead you to meet other singles who also don’t feel needy or desperate.
  • Other clients found they needed to enlarge their circle of friends before doing the hard work and taking the risk of dating. Creating a support system around yourself can help you feel more confident and comfortable about dating. And making new friends will open doors to new things and new people.

Does your resolution this year involve dating? Or something else? How convinced are you that it will make your life better? What are you willing to do to make this resolution a reality? Let us know. We’d love to hear from you.

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Christine and Joel on dating for singles over 50

christineframe-bWe’re veterans in the world of dating and mating in midlife. Our goal is to help you navigate a safe and sensible path through the minefields of singlehood and find a loving partner.

Christine has been a relationship coach for over 8 years. She was single for 20 years and exactly where you are now, wishing you could meet someone special. After a few failures, she created a process that helped her attract the type of men she wanted and this led her to meet and marry the man of her dreams. Now, as a widow, she finds herself continuing to grow through beautiful memories along with periods of grief. As she coaches her clients, she’s beginning to wonder about future dating and what it might look like this time.joelportrait1-sm

Joel was married for 27 years and has two adult children and one grandchild. He stumbled and wandered through the minefields of dating for 12 years accumulating volumes of wisdom from trial and error. He’s writing a book about these experiences which he’s confident will be a bestseller, if ever finishes it.

We’d love to get your questions, observations and experiences in hopes of helping others avoid mistakes and succeed in their quest for love. We’ll offer our thoughts with the caveat that everyone has to find their own path and make their own decisions.