My Scary Dating Profile

This may be the longest dating profile ever posted… it’s my magnum opus.

What do you think?

I leave the faucet running constantly so my glass is always full and overflowing. Please email if you have a mop. No, that is not a mop on my head.
Extra points if you show more pictures of your dog, sunsets and the Eiffel Tower than yourself and love rap and elevator music. If your headline says that, unlike all the others, you are classy, you are hired.
But seriously folks, I heart sunrise/sunset/beach/mountains; crisp vegetables, fresh flowers, the smell of a used book store; lavender massage oil; dogs, cats, foliage begonias; red zinger tea, hot coffee, riding with the top down, holding hands, silence.
(BTW – if you post pictures of yourself with your friends who are more attractive than you, please include their contact information.)
I move to Beethoven and Bach and Willie and Waylon and swing dance (we touch, man leads, woman follows, OK?). I love, but don’t have, the blues. Hope you are healthy. I am, except for occasional bouts of bi-polar paranoia, agoraphobia and fear of antiques.
Rather walk than ride, play than watch, cook than buy, read than watch tv, talk with you, esp in an outdoor cafe. I like lectures about the environment, books, travel, public affairs esp Commonwealth Club and DeYoung.
People around me always seem to have fun and laugh a lot. Maybe it’s the clown feet. I’m an amiable ordinary looking high mileage guy you wouldn’t notice on the street, but you would on the dance floor (real lace up shoes). I can see my belt buckle without a mirror, my feet without leaning over and like to ride my bike and drive to great picnic spots. I believe adults and children and animals should touch and hold each other often and I’ve even changed my mind about small dogs. They’re not bad with a piquant sauce.
I like sleeping under a down quilt in a cold room with full-body contact, one leg exposed. (If you want to play Diane Keaton to my Jack Nicholson, I carry round-tipped safety scissors. Maybe you can explain that scene from “Something’s Gotta Give.”)
I eat from the left, drink from the right, use deodorant and (almost) always put the lid down. Have tools, can fix. Don’t get golf or new-agey stuff. If you are born again, sleep with dogs or believe in astrology, bless you; please click next.
Used to be an editor and now have a political consulting, speaking, video and writing business that provides travel (much of it to interesting resorts) flexible time, frequent flyer miles and work I enjoy that makes a positive difference in people’s lives. My work is nonpartisan and has nothing to do with campaigns or candidates and a lot to do with making our democracy work, something I’m passionate about. I voted for Obama.
Two children, 30 and 34, and an ex (only one) who still speaks cordially to me and I’m sure would eagerly spill her guts to you, should we get that far. I’ve been divorced 12 years and have learned a lot. To prove I am truly modern, if we ever do watch TV, you can hold the remote control. Hope for companion with flexible time for me and occasional trips.
I value my reading lamp, recliner, fireplace and music and will gladly pretend to listen to you whine while I read. A woman recently said to me, “I can’t believe I’m having a conversation with a man about a recipe.” Never mind I was explaining quarks, which, BTW, I discovered. Ask me how I know what a peplum is. I follow the books Five Love Languages and A fine Romance and the advice of Ian Kerner and Ernst Gräfenberg. I’m not perfect and don’t expect you to be (although I’m okie-dokie on a good day).
I hope for a mature, serene woman with wit, style and a sense of humor and adventure, rhythm and a love for music, who likes movies, books, events, theater and outdoors and who isn’t interested in TV sports or, absent any of that, will tolerate me. Thoughtful, intellectual and, at this point, breathing optional. Points for civic and social responsibility. Someone about my age and experience; no bimbos unless named Elle. I have enough wrinkles not to be worried about a few of your sags and bags; my friends all tell me I don’t look a day over 84.
I’d like a dancer and a reader with bike helmet, boat shoes, spikey heels (patterned hose optional) and hiking boots, but not all at once. A strong, assertive, fiesty, sassy, opinionated partner who likes vigorous, thoughtful discussions and impish repartee and, after we get to know each other, likes standing real close and being touched and held.
By me.
Speaking of which, since your children are finally gone and it’s your turn now and I know what’s on your mind, yes, I have Viagra, but I don’t know how well it works since it expired before I got to use it. It only lasts three years.
We are alike enough to get along and different enough to maintain interest, challenge and grow from each other. The smarter, the taller you are, the better. I give extra points if you like cooking with me and others. I’ll put out the crystal and silver for burgers, but I’m not big on pretentious restaurants or conversations about them, since I ate at one once. Yes, it was after a long walk on the beach. God, it was long. I thought it would never end. I won’t ever do that for a first meeting again, no matter what you promise after a glass of fine wine (Almaden, anyone?).
Enough about you. It’s all about me, of course. I am a Southerner of moderate political persuasion and tolerance for just about anything except hurtful behavior. I like exercise and eat carefully (only blue M&Ms and well cooked Spam with mayo). I’ve learned the value of honest and frequent communication and can get my feelings out gently and will encourage you to do the same. To me intimacy means we can be totally honest without fear. I have a vision of us in 20 years laughing, touching and making those around us jealous. Or at least they will laugh.

P.S. Please don’t be offended if this applies, but displays of large public (that’s P U B LLL I C) tatoos, ostentatious cleavage or three rows of lip liner will trigger the auto block and post your profile on a swinger site including home address. Indications of literacy, curiosity, physical and mental health, ability to use spell check and willingness to smile in the face of the humiliation of being here at all will be rewarded.

P.P.S. – To make sure your email gets the attention it deserves among the many I receive, please fill in the following form and insert in your message:
This many: ____ dogs and/or ____ cats sleep in bed with me.

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