Shopping for women (or men) online

Joel: I know, I know, “shop for women” is… off putting. But that’s the best term I can think of. (Your suggestions welcome.) Point being… I look for certain things and I suspect most men do. Crafting your online profile so it creates appeal for the REAL you is one element that will help you succeed.

For me, a major factor is cheerfulness. Does her text and photos convey a happy person? That certainly includes smiling photos. I remember a few that actually looked like the woman was scowling, even angry. I wondered why she posted it.

I also look for women who have pictures of themselves in ordinary situations, without makeup, in casual clothes, exercise clothes (yoga pants welcome!), gardening…. whatever. I conclude a woman who posts unbeautiful pictures has confidence and is happy with herself. What will you post to convey that about yourself?

Christine: I think shopping is the perfect term! In fact, I’ve often said to female clients: Think about looking for and interviewing potential dates (especially when using online dating) as “shopping for men”.

And here’s why:

  • Shopping is often a pleasurable activity for women.
  • Shopping often feels leisurely and calm.
  • Shopping means we have lots of choices.
  • Shopping includes trying out a variety of options so we can compare and contrast to see exactly how we feel about each one.
  • And finally, each of these elements is a good way to bring our authentic selves along (which is essential for successful dating).
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What does it mean?

As I peruse online dating profiles some things women say puzzle me. Like one profile for a very appealing woman says “I love life.”
Eh?
Granted I’ve been accused of being too much in my head which I finally figured out means I analyze too much. Maybe I should just skip this sentence “I love life.”
But I can’t. Who doesn’t love living, considering the alternative…
I guess this woman is saying she’s happy which to me is very important. Does she look happy in her photos? This one definitely does. She’s smiling and in happy situations. Very appealing.
I like her. Maybe it’ because she loves life.

List what you want from your loving partner

Joel: In response to a Facebook Friend who posted a list of attributes of a “Gentleman,” I posted this –
Glad to see this issue raised. I once listened to a woman in a singles group as she listed the (fairy tale) attributes of her ideal man.
When she finished, I asked, OK, so what do you bring to the table for him? After a long, long silence, she said, “Respect. I will respect him.”
To which I said, “Sorry, can’t use that. What behaviors and specific acts will you engage in to DEMONSTRATE your love; i.e., the kinds of things you listed that you know you want him to actually do for you, e.g. open the car door, etc.” (Please respond and you get extra points if you can use i.e. and e.g. in the same sentence, correctly!)
 lx

This is especially important for women looking for a mate so they can define limits and understand love is a two-way street, give and take, and, at best, giving more than you take… If you have a list of things you want from a man, put beside each item what you will actually DO for him to reciprocate.

Mind you, I like lists of things a woman wants. I have been and remain not naturally or instinctively sensitive in these matters. A woman I should have loved once, after a major fail, gave me a list she called “Minimum Expectations For Valentine’s Day.”

The next year I delivered. So… lists are good, just make sure you understand reciprocity.

If you don’t get this concept, check out “The Five Love Languages.”