You might be surprised to hear this… but I’ve found that self-confidence tends to be the most important thing a man wants in a woman.

In fact, men consistently tell me it’s one of the sexiest traits a woman can have. I continuously hear from my male clients that – when a self-confident woman walks into a room – their eyes are drawn to her and they almost always find her beautiful and appealing.

Here’s a guideline to gauge how high you score on the self-confidence scale.

A self-confident woman:

1. Knows what she wants. She knows herself and what’s important to help her feel happy about her life.
2. Asks for what she wants from a man in a clear way and includes enough information so the man can succeed in providing it.
3. Has the confidence to ask a man for something and be comfortable receiving it.
4. Thanks men when they help her.
5. Treats herself kindly.
6. Has friends, family, and activities that she’s passionate about.
7. Feels comfortable in her own skin (no matter her shape, size, etc.)
8. Knows she deserves people in her life who treat her as well as she treats herself.

Here’s what a self-confident woman doesn’t do:

1. Talk down to a man.
2. Fills her life so full there’s no room for a man to provide anything for her.
3. Assume he can read her mind.
4. Have no interests of her own (is waiting for a man to fill her life or encourage her to start doing something).
5. Constantly need reassurance that she’s worthy.
6. Point out things that are wrong with her (physically, emotionally, mentally, etc.).

Did you know that feeling self-confident is often a learned behavior (not just a natural way to be)? It’s something everyone can learn how to do. I know this because it’s something I taught myself and continue to teach my clients.

Are there things on the list that you’d like to feel more confident about?  Let me know what you discover.

Words from Christine…

I enjoy responding to magazine and radio inquiries on dating topics. It gives me an opportunity to pull my thoughts together on specific relationship questions, and even better, to research a bit and learn new things.

My most recent response was to an inquiry about misinterpreting conversation signals in dating and relationships. As a coach, I see this a lot! And often, it’s caused by how differently men and women communicate. Here are some thoughts for you:

• Women generally stop talking to someone because they’re mad at them. Therefore, a woman may believe that when a man isn’t talking he must be mad.
• Men generally talk when they have something to say. Such as sharing the news, describing an accomplishment, or asking for a solution to a problem. If none of this is happening right now, he may not feel the need to talk.
• Women are always thinking. And a man can truly think about nothing (he can turn off his brain to let him relax and recharge). So, a woman may be thinking about 12 things at once. And when she asks a man what he’s thinking, she may not believe him when he says “nothing”.
• One of the main reasons women talk is to feel better (and this isn’t one of the reasons men talk). So, when a man hears the woman describing a problem, he’ll often offer a solution right away. Guess what happens then? (You may have already figured this out.) The woman can end up even more upset. At this point, what she really needs is just a listening ear (and women, it’s good to let the man know this and to also thank him for listening when you’re done).
• A man reaps huge benefits if, when the woman is talking about a problem, he responds with, “tell me more about that”. When I give this advice to men, it usually makes their head hurt because it wouldn’t work for them. These same men almost always tell me later (in an amazed voice), “it worked, she didn’t get mad at me and she felt better!”
• Men generally say what they mean. Women – when a man tells you something about himself, believe it! Women clients often tell me what they think he really meant, and they’re usually wrong. Conversely, women tend to speak in innuendoes and subtleties which leave men confused about what they really want. It’s important for a woman to first figure out what she wants and then say it in a way a man will understand. A male client once explained to me that the best way to talk to a man is to treat him like Twitter. No more than 140 characters at a time.

I’ll close with two more misconceptions. One is a myth I hear about a lot, which is, if a man cares enough about me he’ll just know what I want and I won’t have to tell him. The reality? He won’t “just know” unless you honestly tell him what you want. The other basic truth I’ll share is – sometimes no one gets to be right! Agree to disagree.

Words from Christine…

We’ve been talking about five ways to make New Year’s resolutions “stick”. Here they all are:

1. Be convinced it will make your life better.
2. Break it into very small goals, and clearly state each goal.
3. Be accountable to yourself and at least one other person.
4. Be your own cheerleader, and have at least one other cheerleader.
5. Be able to adjust your expectations when necessary.

Our most recent post talked about points 3 and 4, while point 1 and point 2 were covered in earlier posts.

So now let’s focus on the last item – adjusting expectations.

When you began your New Year’s resolution journey, it was based on specific circumstances in your life.

However, you may find these circumstances changing as you move through each step of the resolution – partly because you have changed and partly because life continues to move on.

There is a wonderful saying that “you can’t step in the same spot a second time in a moving stream”.

So, treat your life as a moving stream. Reevaluate the circumstances of your life on a regular basis to see if the steps you’ve laid out and your ultimate goal still fit how you’re feeling today.

Be prepared to consider adjustments to your goals during your reevaluation process. And then, discuss these adjustments with your confidant (from point 3) to: (1) Make sure they aren’t just reactions and (2) ensure they’re still in your best interests.

Following each of these steps makes it very likely that you’ll be able to keep your resolutions. Including the one about actively dating very soon!

Words from Christine…

We’ve been talking about five ways to make New Year’s resolutions stick:

1. Be convinced it will make your life better.
2. Break it into very small goals, and clearly state each goal.
3. Be accountable to yourself and at least one other person.
4. Be your own cheerleader, and have at least one other cheerleader.
5. Be able to adjust your expectations when necessary.

In our previous post, we covered the first point. In this post, I’d like to talk about the second point:

*Break it into very small goals, and clearly state each goal.*

When you make small goals, it takes the overwhelm out of resolution-keeping.

For example, if your resolution was to “start actively dating”, with the hope of “meeting someone to do things with” – you could start making small goals by asking yourself a series of questions. For example:

(1) What would you like to do with this someone?

• Go to the movies?
• Have good conversations over dinner?
• Play cards and board games?
• Go walking?

(2) What qualities would you like this someone to have? For example:

• Enjoy the same movies I do – musicals, action, happy endings.
• They ask me questions and listen to my answers. They know about things I don’t know, and are interested in learning about the things I know.
• Learn new games.
• Power walking vs. strolling through parks.

(3) How can you find places to meet people who share your activities? For example:

• Meetup.com. This is a wonderful source of activities. Just join and start marking the things you enjoy within your zip code and voila you will have a list of more things than you could ever do.
• Google to search for activities in your area.
• Ask friends and people at work.
• Look through the calendar of events at your place of worship.

Armed with the answers from a list like this, you’re now equipped to pick an activity to try.