Now that we’ve passed through being thankful and grateful, let’s turn our attention to the new year and new love… before you set dating and mating goals for the new year, consider this: Is there a negative trait all your past relationships have in common?
Christine: In my case, all the men I dated in the past made quite a bit of money, had no money in the bank and were also in major debt. I realized because this had been my experience with my father and my ex-husband; I expected all men to be like this, this type of man felt familiar, I believed this was the type of man I deserved.
As I continued my healing the men across the table from me finally made money, had money in the bank and weren’t in debt.
If you continue to meet people with the same traits you don’t want, you might be wise to avoid meeting new people until you heal your own wounds and unpack your emotional baggage from past relationships.
Joel: LOL This is a key question people need to ask when assessing what to do next, especially if they’ve been through unsuccessful relationships. How many times have we seen people engage in serial catastrophes? Once you’ve identified the traits that just won’t work for you, the challenge is to assess a prospective partner as quickly as possible.
I used to put in my online profile things that are obvious deal breakers, like smoking. The sort of financial issues you are describing are much harder to get to. Many people consciously and unconsciously present themselves as something they are not. It’s a challenge to ask penetrating questions when you are just exploring a relationship, but you can say things like “I’m financially secure and need you to be as well.”
If that feels awkward, just think how awkward you will feel to find out your prospective mate is broke and in debt after you’ve been sleeping with him for a while. There’s nothing wrong with gentle candor.